Stalkers
by clickheredumbass
Summary: It's the first and funniest FMA murder mystery that makes no sense at all! Read at your own risk! It's also horror, but I couldn't fit that in as well.


**Stalkers**

Author's Note: Welcome to the first chapter of the murder mystery that's so obvious, it's hilarious…or maybe just stupid. Please read and review!

Warning: Everyone is psychotic, so maybe the killer won't be as obvious as it actually is. Muahahahahahahaha! Sanzo helped me come up with later ideas, and I'm writing the story! (Shadow)

Disclaimer: We do not own Full Metal Alchemist.

Chapter 1: The Usual Suspects

"All we know is at the scene of the crime, there was said to be a fire. We can't even identify the victim!" Roy explained to the others.

"Oh, really? A fire, huh?" Edward said in extreme uber heavy sarcasm. " I bet I know who the killer is! It was…"

Just as Ed was about to point at Roy, everyone took their guns out and pointed them at him. Well, everyone who had a gun that is!

/Gasp/ " Right arm, you've betrayed me!" Ed shrieked as his metal arm had him at gunpoint.

"Sorry man…it just couldn't be helped!" The arm said. Everyone immediately put their guns away and resumed their conversation.

"As I was saying…it seems that all of us are suspects because of various reasons…Lieutenant Hawkeye, if you would please hand me the documents." Roy added.

"Yes, sir." Riza answered as she handed him a thin folder, followed by a single document. "There also has been a report saying that the victim was someone by the name of Yuki."

"Yuki?" Ed gasped. " Who the hell is Yuki?"

"Is he a guy or a girl?" Alphonse questioned with curiosity.

"Does this "Yuki" person have a last name?" Shou Tucker asked.

"Who knows," Roy commented. " Who cares?"

Everyone looks around the room in an awkward silence, when suddenly someone from the very back of the room shouts:

"I care dame you!"

"Hey, don't you mean, "damn you"?" Envy asked.

"No! I meant dame you!"

Everyone sweatdrops.

"Hey! Aren't you Basque Grand?" Al questioned yet again.

"…Internet?"

"Alright, back on topic! The reasons why we're all suspects is listed as follows:

Roy Mustang: He's the Flame Alchemist and sometimes has a bad temper. At the scene of the crime, there was a fire.

Edward Elric: He's totally psychotic and hates being called short. Last saw the victim five minutes before the murder.

"I'm **not** psychotic!" Ed screamed. "I'm…special!" /Ed twitches/

Winry Rockbell: She has a bad temper and likes to hit people with metal parts and tools. She could've used a fire to soil evidence.

Lt. Armstrong: His pink sparkles could hypnotize anybody! Muah ha ha ha! Fear the pink sparkles! …No seriously. Fear the pink sparkles!

Scar: …do we need a reason?

Alphonse: Because he was with Ed.

Lust: 'Cause she's hot and she's evil!

Lt. Ross: 'Cause she's on Riza's hit list, and Riza wants to kill her.

Riza Hawkeye: Because she has a hit list with everyone on it!

"Uh…I have to…uh…set my watch!" Riza said as she held her left wrist up to her face. "I think they're onto me! What should I do?" She whispered into her "watch".

"Just play it cool." Roy whispered into his "watch" as he pretended to cough.

"What was that?" Maes Hughes asked, because for some reason people love to ask questions!

"Um…" Roy responded as he tried to think of something. "I said…hey look over there!" he quickly added, and Hughes (like the dummy he is) actually turned to look at what Roy was pointing to (which was nothing) and saw a single mass of dirt floating through the air.

"Hey, look!" Hughes said with extreme interesting as he pointed in excitement. "It's a floating piece of lint!" He turned around and noticed that everyone was gone, everyone, except Envy who was quietly tiptoeing away behind him. Just as movements caught Hughes's eye, Envy bolted for the door and slammed it shut.

"Hey!" Hughes shouted as he looked around suspiciously. "Where'd that door come from?"

Everyone outside the door (which was pretty much all the living cast members) anime fell at his stupidity, and a couple of cast members fell through the door and onto the floor. They stared up at Hughes, then realized they were trying to ditch him, and quickly scrambled to their feet.

"Ah! He's seen us! Scatter!" They both yelled as they slammed the door after running through it. Everyone else followed suit and ran in a random direction.

Out of curiosity, Maes opened the door and saw that no one was out there.

"Where'd everybody go now?" He questioned no one in particular.

As Hughes seemed to be preoccupied with searching for people he'd never find outside the door, Roy snuck in behind him using the secret entrance. When the coast was clear, he gave a hand signal and everyone gathered in the room silently, while Edward walked over to the door Hughes was standing outside of, and bolted it shut.

"There…that should do it." He said triumphantly.

"Alright. Now as I was saying, we're all suspects here, and for various reasons. Also, we're all trapped in this building until only one of us remains. That one person is the killer." Roy continued.

"Well I'm not gonna let some psycho killer murder me!" Rose from the first two episodes scoffed.

"Of course you're gonna die first!" Winry Rockbell screamed in annoyance. "You don't even have a last name!"

"Yes I do!" Rose yelled in frustration. "My last name is…"

Just then, the lights flicked off and the room was filled with darkness, as well as everyone's screams. When the lights flicked back on, Winry noticed that Rose (Give her a last name here) was dead!

"Aaaaahh!" Winry's scream grabbed everyone's attention. "Look at all those beautiful knives sticking out of Rose's body! Ahh! I simply must have one!"

"Oh, hell no!" Hughes replied out of nowhere. "You know how much they cost me? You're not getting a damn thing unless you make it yourself!"

At that, Winry sulked in a lonely corner, and then a thought occurred to her.

"Hey, wait a second! How'd your knives get in her body?" She asked, hoping his answer would clear up her perplexed mind.

"Well, you know…Life is full of many puzzles. Some of which don't need to be explained!" He answered.

"What? That makes no sense!" She yelled furiously. "That didn't clear up my perplexed mind at all!"

"Yeah!" Lt. Ross commented. "And how'd you even get in—"

"Some of which don't need to be explained." He repeated.

"Well…now that everyone's here we can begin the investigation and figure out who the killer is!" Roy…uh…said?

Everyone is in split screen.

"I love the split screen effect!" Envy shouted. Everyone anime falls.

* * *

A/N: Muah hahahahaha! I have finished my first senseless chapter of insanity! Stay tuned fro chapter 2! If ya want! Okay, okay1 I stole that quote from duel masters! (i love that show) and no, I don't own that ending quote. 


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